I'm sorry love
i am broken;
broken from bones that were
improperly set during an age
when things simply couldn't exist
and it was safer to cage myself
rather than fly free
because boundaries of holiness
and righteousness were myopically drawn
resulting in me wholly ghosting myself
building haunted mansions framed
with fear instead of curiosity
avoidance and animosity replacing
discernment with a ferocity and
strength that made self-love an atrocity
much less loving you to lengths far
beyond how I perceived I could measure
up despite how much I treasured you
and felt the warmth of your love's protection
rejection instead of acceptance
could only ever be our story's ending
because "If you can't love yourself,
how the hell you gonna love somebody else"
was not the moral story offered
to this child soldier bleeding
from a battle not needing to be fought
cast in an ill-fitting mold predicated
on being sold off as a cheerful servant
and now I walk with a limp
for being too observant
fast enough still to catch you
but too pained to keep pace
feeling so at home and so out of place
because I am just learning how to
stoke the hearth fires within
trembling to hear you caress me with
your outpouring of sacred honor
I feared the good in front of me
because of the brokenness within me
and I hope you see the truth in my plea
that your heart be not too broken
by the hard words I have spoken
because being broken is what I need
right now to make old wrongs right
because for something to heal I
must be able to feel the fullness
of my length and breadth as I
plumb the depths of my despair
not to ruminate but repair
and while healing is a journey and
not an end state I know I cannot co-create
the life we dream up without tearing down
the edifices of my internal ghetto
I will not risk erecting a palace of hope
without first shoring up my foundations
because I will not risk sinkholes
opening up where bedrock once was
and swallowing our sacred creations
for this I break your heart
and mine
hoping that when we both heal
and feel we can continue on
the new things we build will be more lasting
both hard fought, and hard won.
-rrf