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sometimes there are no words because the feelings are too wild too sharp with fullness to try and chain them forcing them into stalls of syntax would make them less-than but we crave it all the same because we fear what happens when they break free from the fragile corrals of our hearts we are trampled by them brought low and bloodied in the thundering unceasing onslaught as they spread like undamned rivers across our floodplains of composure we are mystified by their wildness awestruck by their grandeur and ever so terrified of what might happen should they be set free rightfully so because making peace with the wilderness of our hearts requires a giving up a letting-go of shoulds and musts demanding an acceptance that not all things are in our control nor should be if beauty is what we crave if harmony is what we yearn for if peace is our strongest hope learning to be still and breathe in out and in again with soft gaze and open palm while the wilds rage all around daring us to stand in defiance stamping and snorting kicking up clouds of dust and confusion rending the air with ragged cries unseemly and pure this baffling stillness is the only hope we have of not only surviving the stampede but embracing the wildness of our hearts and forming a bond of friendship the stuff of which legends are made and happily-ever-afters brought near. -rrf

This is a study on the Christian serpent from the creation story as viewed through the lens of queerness. In many versions of Christianity, queer folk are painted in the most vilified and corrupted of terms. But just like the snake, we were born as we are, and there is sacred knowledge in the ownership of our identities. We have tasted of the fruits of the knowledge of good and evil. We’ve been sent out of the comfortable gardens of our religiosity into a wilderness that offers less comfort, but so much growth. And depending on it, some may say that we will burn, but to others we will ✨shine✨ #queerart #painting #christianity #acrylic #serpent #snake #gardenofeden #pride #lgbt

Pearls Once i collected books for the sake of impressing myself hoarding the wise words of Others brave enough to speak their truths i thought I could wear their brilliance a string of wisdom to brighten my throat Only to find brilliance dulled in the dusty passages of time on shelves muted by the discordant sighs Of my own misalignment my striving for a superiority i never knew i never needed Onward i go now towards realms unimagined undreamed and unexplored as grits of sand draw me Out of my self and into myself revealing and creating pearls that none but me may treasure -rrf

Carbon (A Poem About Coming Out) I am not who I thought I would be But I am who I suspected I was Alchemy, it would seem Applied to metals and magic To rites and times and place Does not translate To all things in all ways To all people at all times As I find myself out Of place In ineffective ways and in Inopportune times Brimming with Wrongs amid Teeming seas of opinion These crushing pressures, These weights and currents of time Only compact the denser truths within me. I am not who I thought I would be But I am who I hoped I was I am not lead nor gold Transformed by word or action I am carbon Breathing, bloodied, dripping And every breath is agony Each inhale against the world is a return to myself Each exhale an act of rebellion And as time and essence blend I will shine for within me are all the colors Of life, of creation, of love And the greatest of these Is love. -rrf “You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” - Dr. Maya Angelou

Change mirrors lie every day a warped portrayal of familiarity built on tiny fragments a sum greater than its parts significant only to me setting apart who i see and who others assume me to be history lies too a dimming hallway of selves constantly shifting and melting as narratives of past form a present not meant to last i don’t recognize myself how strange to have the me that is familiar now be so foreign to the me that was then i find myself wondering when the die will be cast and i will recognize the mirror as truth teller history as a friend as i move toward a welcome close and life’s end -rrf

Scarcity not enough not enough not enough the drumbeat of fear and loathing this Las Vegas has got nothing on me as i look around to see only barren desert and wither under the scorching sun of other people’s narratives more more more this intoxicating feeling this addiction to fill and feed never understanding why there’s always more room more space more need and more and more of less only when only when only when i am still and allow myself to drink in the sun dig deeply into the earth my roots spreading into unknown worlds do i grow and find peace -rrf

Control you don’t control the story only what you do it doesn’t matter what’s real or fake there’s no such thing as true when daylight fades to history it’s always the powers who decide what’s fair and ‘actual’ then give it back to you -rrf

On Living living is odd we cling to it tire of it resent it wonder at it soak in it every day the fish searching for the ocean how strange that awareness of our own existence can be both blessing and curse a jagged mirror by which we can both see and cut ourselves how can i have one and not the other? how can i find strength and encourage my brother? there is no way I fear but to live my own mystery to gaze deep into my wells and pray i live life well... maybe just maybe my sister will catch my gaze tire of it resent it wonder at it and find their own treasured waters in which to swim -rrf

Wellness well, well, well. down the deep dark hole of living do your yoga drink your water say your prayers and bless your father take your vitamins in rightful actions made day by day absolve yourself from every sin how foolish the hubris of my own thought believing that a life lived well can be bought boxed and polished set on the shelf of my own pride while with every curated additive I’ve died and died and died cried out to myself from myself in the simplest terms of a life yearning to be lived simply with love in peace and in simplicity I find all these increased -rrf

Survive breathe first, always breathe sense the air as it flows sense the moment as it goes from space and opportunity to closure and history bask in the mystery realize that your heaviest burdens offer you the greatest strength know that hardship is neither punishment nor blessing but both can become either with time allow yourself to see with more than your eyes and more than your feelings when you’re left reeling with nonsense of mind and direction notice the inflection of your thoughts and when all feels lost in the waves of pain and darkness in the onslaught of voices in the cacophony of choices find solace in the breath sense the air as it flows sense the moment as it goes know that you’ve survived it and you’ll survive the next eventually pain will give way to rest -rrf

perspective at what point does going meet with coming where is the magic that shifts space into place full of purpose and certainty an unexamined enfolded concept wrapped around the ego to provide an atmosphere of safety of air to breathe as inhale becomes exhale in a world of absolute freedom and absolutely divine chaos when is the moment when now becomes then and machineries of being continue to press expand consume become when anticipation becomes reflection when embracing includes rejection when the only thing that makes it so is the moment where the me that is self-aware decides to care enough to label a thing as so and somehow in the madness of these cognitive fusions i fancy myself clever when i’m just as likely a fool -rrf

Maybe this has happened to you: you’re out at a family dinner, enjoying the opportunity to catch up with your parents. You’re in the process of getting your toddler to sit still and eat his breadsticks, when your mother turns to you, eyes sparkling with warmth and concern. “Oh by the way,” she says (you think) a bit too loudly, “how did the hemorrhoid surgery go? You know I have a cream recipe from your Aunt Judith that did wonders for your father when his hemorrhoids got out of hand. It’s so easy; I’ll text it to you. Give Simon… Aunt... Judith’s.. hemorrhoid …salve.” She dictates this reminder to Siri in slow, crisp, oration that makes you feel as though a spotlight has just been turned on as you slowly spin on a raised pedestal. As your booth neighbors become ominously quiet, you wish that the floor would swallow you whole. You cut your mother off with a clipped tone and ask if we couldn’t all please talk about something else. You make a note to be “incredibly busy with work, and couldn’t we schedule this for another time,” at the next opportunity for a dinner together. After all, your mother has always been a bit... stifling. It isn’t unusual to have the odd time or two when we feel like the people we’re closest with are a bit… too close. Whether it’s prying into something you’d rather keep private, or oversharing, we’ve all been to that place where we feel that someone has crossed a personal boundary. Have you ever noticed that it’s easier to recognize when a boundary has been crossed than it is to know what your boundaries are? It triggers an emotional combination of outrage, anxiety, and disgust: a unique mixture I call “feeling slimed.” The reaction to being slimed by people crossing our boundaries is normal; healthy even. That response serves as a warning system that something important has been violated and is at risk for deterioration. Boundaries are an inherent part of daily life. We almost instinctively know that there are some things that we are free to share with some, and not with others. For example, you may feel entitled to talk about your sex life with a close friend you’ve known for ten years (and even then, perspectives vary!) but we can all probably agree that it would be strange to share those same details with your banker. I know what you’re thinking; “Rob, what if my banker is also a close friend I’ve known for ten years?” to which I say, everyone is a unique situation! We also probably know that one person who doesn’ttend to understand or respect those boundaries. You know, that person who tends to get too familiar way too quickly? You feel uneasy with the premature intimacy and even taken aback by the raw transparency you’re shown. Maybe you even notice that you’ve been that person at times? Our boundaries, however much they feel instinctive, are more learned than they are inborn (aside from the basic stranger anxiety we develop as infants). By our family culture, we learn the unspoken rules for what is safe, and what is not safe. By what is modeled to us, we understand who is deserving of the privilege of our intimacy, and under what conditions. This means our sense of boundaries is often deeply engrained, and difficult to articulate. The training for how to respond to when those boundaries are crossed may be just as subtle; and there are nuances – subtexts within subtexts. Maybe there are special exceptions for family members, versus friends, versus acquaintances, versus strangers. With all of this variability, it can be hard to have a personal sense of clarity regarding what feels acceptable and how to respond to what is not. The first step (as with many things in life) is awareness. Start paying attention to when you feel slimed by others, and what’s going on in those moments. Who are the recurring ‘slimers?’ What are the topics you tend to feel slimed about? Once you know when your boundaries are reliably crossed, you can start to articulate what those boundaries are. “I don’t like talking about sensitive and personal health issues in public,” might refer to the boundary being violated in the incident at the beginning of this article. Knowing and articulating boundaries are, however, only two of steps in this process. You also need to be able to assert your boundaries and protect them. Upholding a boundary means enforcing the relationship behavior you believe you deserve. It means having difficult conversations, and being willing to subvert some of that early childhood programming. It may also mean being willing to upset the people you care about in order to create more equal and mutually enjoyed relationships. Author and researcher Brené Brown has a mantra I’ve found to be useful in those difficult moments of confrontation: “Choose discomfort over resentment.” However hard it may be, it is worth a moment (or recurring moments) of discomfort in our relationships in order to enjoy a lifetime of healthy connections with others.